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Sunday, January 23, 2011
2:37 PM

"Open eyes. Open heart. Open up and fall apart."

I have seen my own death, and know it will be by my own hand... why have I been forgotten, how much mental suffering can I take before I break. Again, and again, I try to force something to work that just won't. It can be emotionally draining that when I get the chance to move on from it I actually don't. It's such a struggle to get it going that when I get it drifting I just can't walk away from it no matter how much pain it took to get it going because the time invested in the act was so great I tend to never want to let it go.

I enclose myself with negativity that lashes out during extreme moments, it can really wear on me and no matter how good I am at keeping a positive outlook eventually I will start to question myself. How long can I hold on. I should know by then that it's impossible for me to hang on to it. But I always try. My mind was challenged and my eyes were reopen to the possibilites...

Trust is the key; the foundation that we build in that whole room of love. Sometimes I make a conscious choice to be trusting. I feel the doubt but choose not to vocalise them and gradually I shove them so far down. Then all of the sudden, something breaks it and destroy everything in the path.

I'm so used to things one way. Now it's all different and the change makes me freak out a little. I feel I'm in a helpless position. I simply can't find a win-win situation. I lose if I'm controlling. I lose if I'm trusting. Where the fuck is the harmony? Why does it have to be so complicated?

Oh wells. I always lose in the end. Why do I do this to myself? I'm aware of me fixing everything always but I can't stop. I need to tell myself that I can’t fix it and just let everything be as it will be. Now if I can just make myself listen to myself I will be good to go.

Till here,


jqMEow |

be happy.
love life.

09 July 1990

Typical ♋ian;
I'm a suffering soul and sometimes lose control of my emotions. I need you to be understanding and not give up on me.

I don't want to own anything until I know I've found the place where me and things belong together.

✉ tan.jiaqi@live.com

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