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Foreign-You, My Always;
Saturday, July 24, 2010
3:48 AM

Right here, RIGHT HERE! is the only place I don't pretend I'm okay, the only space to let out everything. Though it is most dangerous, but there is no one to share this pain with... or rather I have no one whom I'm comfortable telling everything of me, about me. No, I'm NOT a loner. I have best friends. I have good friends. They know who they are. And I won't say I trust them not. Because if I don't, they will know nothing about me... family matter, health matter, study/work matter, whatever matters. They do know a bit. A bit more than a casual friend. A bit is enough to keep them worry for me... and THAT'S ENOUGH. I won't want to worry others with my troubles. Not because they aren't here for me, but telling them won't help in lessening my troubles. Though, usually I will feel better after a heart to heart chat with them. Still, I will never have someone who knows everything. NEVER. It is scary! Even if it is not, I know myself that it is difficult to tell everything to someone. As I already find it hard to speak out now. If I do even speak a word, you will see my tears or feel it at the back of my eyes. And I won't want that to happen. So here I am!!! (hiding behind this screen) speaking my heart *lesser than a bit* out. At least, I believe it will make you, my friend, feel at ease to know that I will be fine, someday soon...

But not now, for my mind and soul are occupied with confusion, trying hard to find a way out. Trying so hard till I feel everything of me, is crumbling. Till I got tired of living. But hell no am I giving up in life, until I try. If you didn't know, family is my strongest willpower to living! But they have become my biggest fear, as well. For I fear of losing them, ANYONE. Be it my father, my mother or my brother... they are important! Maybe not equally, as I need my mother more than my father. But still, EVERYONE of them is important in my part of living. I do know of friends who envy my family. That makes me proud of US. Yes, we are good BUT not great. That night, makes me realise if someone in this home give up, it will be the end. THE END. Of the happily ever after days. And the someone is none other than the mother. She has been putting up with our nonsense, and I can feel her, suffering inside. But all I do is to cry, feeling helpless or maybe useless. So, if someday she will to walk out of the house, I hope I won't blame her for making me lose something (the family) that I have been holding tightly to. As, it may be the time she gives herself a break, free herself from misery. 妈, 你要坚强! 忍. 爸哥弟, 不要让她伤心LE! We will be great, we will be great...

Without her, I will be worse than WHO I AM now. Lately, I have been very depressed over my health matters. And since young, she has always be here for me. Though it is never easy to has her forking out the money often. Yet, she is trying her best everyday. You know I must agree that HEALTH is MORE IMPORTANT than MONEY. But since I'm born with health problems... I of course will think that MONEY is MOST IMPORTANT. Without it, who will heal the health problems right. For this, I will have to take a step at a time. Hope to be a healthier young adult, soon.

That's why I'm bother about work. I have a job, but I'm (most prolly) quitting at the end of August. For many reasons. So this will mean I will be jobless in about a month time. Honestly, I lack in confidence. And I'm lazy! Now, I can truthfully say I do 'nothing' and I learn 'nothing'. That's one of the reasons why I'm dying to leave this office. But sometimes, I'm afraid I will regret leaving... for everything is mostly going my way. I'm glad I need not dress in formal to work. I'm glad I get to surf the webs (Facebook/Twitter etc). I'm glad I get to leave the office at 6pm sharp. I'm glad I don't need to bring home my work to do. I'm glad I'm being paid on time. I'm glad I'm being paid for overtime. I'm glad I can get half day leave/ one day leave anytime I want. What's more can I ask for! But if I don't leave, people will think I'm useless right. Since I'm learning nothing, and the pay is low!

So if I quit... will I be able to find a better job?! I need a job which can meet my tight schedule, as I may be on health treatments weekly if everything goes well this coming Monday & Tuesday. Yes, I'm very excited to know the result and I do hope that I can be treated. And no, you shouldn't ask me what I am suffering from. I WON'T DIE! [haha] So of course, I need a huge sum of money to do treatments... and that's what worries me further if I do not find a suitable job in the nick of time. What's more, it is not just A health problem I'm having. Well, it sucks to be me. But I do know there are humans who are less fortunate than me on Earth, and I should appreciate how I'm now.

Then, there are times I wish I'm still studying. But this decision of mine is definitely a selfish thought (for now). Don't you wish to escape from reality, sometimes. Still, I'm sure my parents won't mind if I want to continue my studies, but which university do I go. I can't even make up my mind... hence, it is impossible for me to be back to study life anytime soon. So, study matter aside. But I secretly (badly) wish to learn to play the piano. I have been pretending to be playing on piano whenever I hear music played with it. Sadly, I don't own a piano. I will be grateful if someone is willing to give me a piano (be it new or second-hand)! It will be even greater if there is someone who is willing to teach me! [hehe] Something else I will love to learn is to bake cupcakes! These two MUST be learn, someday. To express my feelings and to cheer my mood, respectively. Hopefully I get the chances to do what I enjoy doing... (pray hard)

Family, health, work, study... what else? Friendships! are going on smoothly... I do know of you who care about me! Though there are times I'm keeping to myself. But that doesn't mean you meant nothing to me. I just need time alone. I can name the friends who are important to me... but I choose to left this out. There is no purpose to tell the world, but they themselves. I keep them deeply in my heart and I do believe they can feel their importance to me. It is their care, concern, laughter, love, presence, understanding, everything that I'm dying to be their friend of friends. So you, my friend, who is reading this... please do not feel inferior if I don't share everything of me to you. Believe me, you're awesome! YOU! The many of you, my friends.

Thinking of friendship... remains me of relationship. Well, I don't do it now. It have been 3? years since my last relationship and it seems as if I have 'lost touch' with it. Though I must admit there are times I miss the past, but there is no way I can rewind time. Still, I found someone who can makes me smile, effortlessly. But he is too good for me, and somehow it is impossible between us. I know it, let nature take its course. If someday we meet again...

yours truly me

P.S If you read from words to words till the end here, you're awesome! I♥U!

jqMEow |

be happy.
love life.

09 July 1990

Typical ♋ian;
I'm a suffering soul and sometimes lose control of my emotions. I need you to be understanding and not give up on me.

I don't want to own anything until I know I've found the place where me and things belong together.

✉ tan.jiaqi@live.com

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