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Silly but me;
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2:00 AM

"Tears are words the heart can't express."

Alight. Facing the familiar path across the roads. My heart smiled till fear began to flood in. Too late to U-turn, so there is no choice but to brave through the past. Up _____ Down the overhead bridge, there I am. Where 15 minutes walk to and fro is often with someone I will always keep in the heart. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10... giggle, I felt your presence beside me. But why do I remember you in front/behind me and not beside me. The u on my face turned to n. Why is it so?! Tears in the corner of my eyes. Felt like crying. But I know you will not be the one wiping the tears away. Not anymore. Neither did you ever. But I know you used to care, from the soft touch of your lips on my forehead. Small actions mean big words. Hai. Wiped away the tears before I stepped into the house for the next challenge. And not to get attention from anyone especially the mother. Sat down. Feeling pessimistic. Thinking of how screwed up I am. Showing numbers of sad smiley faces to Slowpoke. He sure knows what can cheer me up for a moment. But definitely not for long, if not I won't be here letting out my feelings.

"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry."

Feeling better...

But not anymore again. Because while I was out today, something happened in the house. Unsure of the happening. Bad one though. Between the mother and the hateful girl. The brother will tell me more before bed time later, but I am dead beat now! From all the late nights since Christmas Eve. Where the fun comes into my boring life. Yet, pimples are popping out. Badshyt. Seriously, I am not ready to hear from the brother. Y'know, I am already tearing now after 3 messages from him telling me about this and that. But on the Sunday night, we did talk for hours before bed. I can't deny that I miss such conversation we used to have, talking about the family. Laughing at incidents etc. Yes, we are close! Now I hate myself for being busy with school, for spending the nights out feeling drained... because it will meant lesser time with the family.

Anyhow, it is about this hateful girl in the house...

She is a turn off to the parents. To the brothers. To ME! We hate her TTM!!! Can't she feel the anger in us, or is she thick-skinned? I do know why my parents and brothers do not like her, but lets talk about why I don't. Firstly, I am not a bitchy. Not my habit of doing so. But when it comes to her, words just dashed out of me. She is definitely not one of us, not my family. I don't even know her name, and why the fcuk is she here. Where the hell she came from! You're right, who elses but my brother's girlfriend. She has been staying here for almost a month or so, and she is still here. She said her mother dislikes her?!?! Whadafcuk, is it our problem? I will tell her, it is stupid of you to think your mother dislikes you. Whose parents will. Unless she is a bastard, or whatever. So why the hell you are still in here? WE DISLIKE YOU TOO! GET IT. She came into the house without introducing herself, and her daily doings are watching shows, eating, bathing, watching shows, eating, bathing, watching shows, sleeping! Awesome, but I won't want a life like yours! Machiam handicap? No, you are worst than them. At least they do go to school/work. Her doings are expenses. My family aren't rich, there is no stable income. Financial is an issue now, and before. My parents are trying very very hard to give us the best. Every single cents spend on you is A WASTE! Subtracting the usual timing we watch the shows, she do 6 hours more than us. It is distracting as my study area is in the living room, and whats bad are she cracked her knuckles so often and shaked her legs every time! FHL. She sneaked into the kitchen and with permission from my brother, she grabbed as much as she wants. Without thinking for the others who have not have their shares. But to tell you the truth, my mother never cooked your portion. Sometimes she do so without permission. I do envy her for being skinny after seeing the amount of food she can eat. But still, I want to remind her THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE! NEVER WILL! She is a guest, but an uninvited one. She bathe the usual 2 times a day. Sad to tell you, most of us in the family bathe once. For me, I am lazy. Period. But whatever it is, she bathe for more than 30 minutes each time. She has long hairs. I seriously love the length of her hair. But again, she is small. The surface area of her body is definitely less than any of us in my family. Worst, she is in the house the whole freaking 24 hours unless she goes down for dinner. Are you that dirty? I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE THINKS I AM SELFISH. I seriously can go on and on bitching about her. But to the point, she has already invaded into my privacy, our privacies. I will have already burst out
*@#!.&% if my mother allowed. Maybe my brother will has do so too. But as my mother do not want to see the siblings quarrelling among ourselves, she will rather be the one my brother hates. Mummy, you're patient. Definitely. I've been waiting for you to throw her out of the house. But in the end, what I hear now is you're hurt over this matter. You keep to yourself, hope to have time from me. Then you will rant to me blah blah blah, but sometimes I got irritated. Because you're the one who stopped me from going against her directly, yet you came to me for help. Sometimes, I just pretend listening when I know I will get frustrated because I can do nothing about it. You, you, you out there... TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I DO! But to cry seeing my parents suffering inside them, especially my mother.

Anyhow, today is the last day of year 2009! As I browsed through the many photos, they brought me back to the fun, enjoyable time spend with the family, friends etc. I have the urge to thank each and eveyone of my friends, and I meant it. Whether if I have know you for years, for months, for days. Whether if I have see you once, twice, thrice, or many times... or none. Whether if... but again, time is not on my side. So universal, a better year 2010 ahead!



jqMEow |

be happy.
love life.

+齐meow
09 July 1990

Typical ♋ian;
I'm a suffering soul and sometimes lose control of my emotions. I need you to be understanding and not give up on me.

I don't want to own anything until I know I've found the place where me and things belong together.

✉ tan.jiaqi@live.com

Nuffnang |


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DAYSilove |

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It all begins with a smile...
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