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I'm to change, I've to change;
Thursday, August 20, 2009
9:19 PM

This post is for self reminder; an incident can reflect a person.

This afternoon, my mother offered to fetch me to sch and before we leave the house she reminded me to bring the necessities. I feel fortunate, but I took her and her reminder for granted.

In class, I transferred the photos taken for my project from my hard disk to the desktop. Then, I noted that half the number of photos are not in my hard disk.!!! I'm always unprepare. Since I have to do the printing today, I had to ring my brother to send the photos over. I called the home, and my elder brother picked up the phone. He sounds impatient, but he did help me by trying to mail the photos to my inbox. However, before I receive the mails, my mother called and told me he does not know how to do the mailing. It came to my mind that he is unwilling to help, and I felt he is useless. My mother decided to bring the camera to school for me, but I rejected her idea as I did not want her to spend her time travelling down. Then, my younger brother decided to help me. He followed my instructions step by step, and he did manage it. But the file was too large, and therefore the sending fail. He did not give up. He tried to divide the photos into two folders and do a resend. At the time, I felt helpless and felt that my family is of no help to me. But I forgot about the support and the encouragement they gave me through my school days. Then, my elder brother gave me a call and told me he successfully sent the photos to my inbox. I felt bad for thinking that he is useless, because he was trying to help me. When I received the photos, they are scaled to a smaller size. The photos are not in a compressed folder. I got frustrated with them. Questions like "Why can't they get such a simple task done for me?", "Why don't they know how to do the compressing?", "Why don't they learn when I teach them the other time?", messed up my mind. I blamed them and myself. In the end, I had no choice but to ask my mother to bring the camera and usb to me. She was willing, but I was not.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt guilty and sorry. I felt shame of myself for being mad and raising my voice at them. I am suppose to have the habit of checking my work beforehand, but due to my laziness I never did so. Lack of time is the reason too, or rather excuse. "Excuses, excuses, excuses!" Larry is right. I am full of excuses. I wiped away my tears and reminded myself to look fine in front of my mother when I see her later.

My mother drove to the school to pass me the camera and usb. I was glad, yet unhappy. I told her I am tired and I want to go home. She wanted to wait for me, but I will be taking more than an hour so I asked her to go home first. She did not mind driving back to school to fetch me. However, the car we rented need to be returned at 6pm.

During dinner time, I told Jasmine about the incident. I said, "Why do I get impatient with my family but not my friends?" Knowing that my family are the closest to me, I took them for granted. Again and again. I vent my anger at them whenever I am stress, but they never fight back and gave in to me. I think it happened to my ex. Now, I feel retarded to treat my friends better than my family. No, I do not mean that I should treat my friends the way I treat my family. I should treat everyone with care and be patient!!!

When I reached home, my elder brother asked if I manage to do the printing of the photos on time. Indirectly, I know he cared for me. I ranted to my mother about school work, and she wanted to accompany me to ask the owner for the site plan. She agreed to pay for the plan, if needed. Suddenly, I feel... I h8 myself.

I have problems, I need to change. I'm not changing for others, but myself. If this bad habit of mine continues to stay with me, I can forget on being perfect. Everyone knows nobody is perfect, but I'm to be the best of myself. To present the best of me. I can be the best of the best friends but it is difficult to say if I can be the best daughter, sister, girlfriend unless I learn to stop taking the close people for granted.

P.S (tears) While I'm typing this, I miss fav boy more.

Such an incident can make me think, and I hope it makes me change.

jqMEow |

be happy.
love life.

09 July 1990

Typical ♋ian;
I'm a suffering soul and sometimes lose control of my emotions. I need you to be understanding and not give up on me.

I don't want to own anything until I know I've found the place where me and things belong together.

✉ tan.jiaqi@live.com

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